YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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