last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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