At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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