I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
