I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
