I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
