You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
