he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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