I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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