Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
