Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
