so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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