happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
