Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
