After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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