i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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