this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
