How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
