we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
