I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's blow job season.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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