dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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