how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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