EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
