You're earring is so big in my mouth
sarcasm needs its own font
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
