i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
