I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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