Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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