Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm having to shit out rocks
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
