So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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