I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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