Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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