i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
