Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
