He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
