Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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