I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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