I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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