What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
