We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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