I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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