Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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