I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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