Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
