Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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