I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
