Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
