just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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