my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
