NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
