sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
