i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
