i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
