Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just invented taco cereal.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
