it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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