Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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