Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
