There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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