M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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