Your face is a jimmy john
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm getting married
To pizza
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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