I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
