i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
