It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
