I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
