you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
