like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
