i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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