Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
