2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
