My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
