Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
